i wish i was as okay as i tell people i am, as i present myself;
as i, in a way, actually am? except for when i'm not concentrating enough, when i can't smother it with music and podfics,
and the buzzing. buzzing under my skin, and my nails clenching into palms, pulse a little too quick, breathing a little too fast, i forgot to take pills this morning again. and not even telling myself to calm down, shh, because i don't want to admit it.

but listening to Designations feels so, so good. it's all that, buzzing, buzzing, always buzzing, and being broken underneath the connections, the jokes and all the useless pretending.
but maybe i just need a good cry.