Повешу наконец уже довольно давно набранное - добавила еще немножко, - в честь того, что я (ну, наверное, не только я, но пусть буду я xDD) подсадила на QI еще одного человека! а может, и не одного 8D

Alan: The trees do, they get rid of carbon dioxide. But if you're in a lift with someone, after a while <…> there won't be enough air in the lift and that will be carbon dioxide. The cause of death. Would be.
Jeremy: So always take a tree into a lift with you.
Alan: Yes!
Jeremy: And then you can hide as well, move around the lift unseen.
Alan: Entertain yourself. It should be a fruit tree, so there'd be some food as well as something to get rid of the carbon dioxide.
Jeremy: And you can make a shelter to shield you from the burning light - and possibly a canoe to escape.
Alan: In the event of flooding.

- The huntsman spider is the only spider with lungs.
- So you can get it a birthday cake with a candle on.

It must have been very difficult for the new women in his life each time, cause she'd say, "Oh, I don't know, Henry, everywhere I look, I just see her face", 'cause it's on a POLE.

- Fact is, cat guts has never gone into the making of violins. It was a myth that was put about by…
- By dogs.

- It's called the Roadkill Cafe and the idea is if… if you knock anything over in your car, you take it in and they'll cook it. And I just... I love the, you know, whether it's an elk or a tiny little possum, or something--
- An old lady.

читать дальшеRich: Why would they, uh . . . Why would they say seven animals? 'Cause that . . . that means three pair, and one animal--
Stephen: One to watch.

Stephen: For example, I could tell you it costs 105,000 pounds last year to clean up the pigeon crap from Trafalgar Square.
Linda: Where do pigeons get that sort of money?
<...>
Stephen: What else is interesting about pigeons? They can suck. The only bird that can suck.
Alan: Is that how they raised the £105,000?

Alan: # The animals went in by two-by-two, hurrah, hurrah #
Bill: Hurrah, hurrah... # Except for the camels 'cause they were filthy, hurrah, hurrah! And then the sheep, but not the den, and then came the amoeba: One. No, two. No, four. No, eight. No, sixteen. No, thirty-two… #

- So there's a bit of Alan in me.
- Is there an Alan in you?
- Do you want some?

- As big as musical instrument as you could ever find.
- A whale.

Can I be an arthropod and in a gay community?

- Where do you get a black jackass anyway, these days?
- Kentucky Fried Jackass.

"Blue moon, I saw you standing alone". Not "with a small friend".

Alan: See, what happens on this show, Dara, is he thinks I'm an idiot.
Dara: Well, you think my name is an anagram of 'diarrhoea', so…

Superbatics. Better than any other batics.

- A chilver is a ewe lamb.
- A me-lamb?

- A chameleon changes colour to match its..?
- Car?

- The other thing about chameleons is their eyes can swivel independently.
- Do they know that?

Arthur: Every fact I give you, you've got a slightly more impressive one!
Stephen: No!.. So, Alan, let's turn to you, anyway.

- Where's the wild-y, wild-y wild? I'd like to go there.
- It's a technical term.
- For Norfolk.

Fear of people is anthropophobia. Fear of flowers is anthrophobia. They're different.

- What is the largest fence in the world?
- The Great Fence of China.
- It's to keep people off The Great Wall.

- Why do goats need eyebrows, really?
- To express surprise!

- What begins with a B and is illegal in Turkmenistan?
- Well, presumably a plague of bees would be…
- Would begin with one bee.

- How did army medics in the Vietnam war prevent wounded US soldiers from swallowing their own tongues? <...> They were sort of practical, American about it.
- Gave them a hamburger.
- Swallow that instead!

For five million pounds, I would want a map that showed me looking at the map I just bought.

Stephen: Erm, they spoke like that when they really could speak English, Alan.

- Which war killed the highest proportion of British soldiers?
- American War of Independence. Good guess!

You came out, you were deep-fried yourself. And that is Scottish cuisine.

- Really good milk cos they've got really good grass up on the northern island of Japan.
- The cows are getting no credit there at all. "We're doing all the work here." "No, look, it's the grass." "Oh, please! …Really, as if I'm not involved."

Stephen: Well, they've stopped called them "surgical stockings", because that sounds so, kind of, Les-Dawson-old-lady, and . . . and they now call them "compression socks", which sounds slightly butch.
Jimmy: I think they're quite… I like those socks, 'cause if you put them on--
Jo: You would do, because you're sort of quite pervy, aren't you?

Stephen: There was a story during the Terror of the French Revolution that, er, two members of the… the National Assembly were guillotined and their heads put in the same bag straight away, and one bit the other so hard they couldn't be separated. Just the heads.
Jimmy: That's holding a grudge, isn't it? I mean, for intents and purposes, you're dead; let it go! Yeah, you didn't get on! Whatever!
(pause, audience laughing)
Stephen: They were French.

Stephen: It's work. You're more likely to die at work than you are at war.
Alan: Does that include soldiers?
Sean: What if you work in a shoe shop near a war?
Stephen: (facepalm) You always guarantee you will find some cunning way to make me not know anything. And I don't know what the statistics are for people who work in shoe shops near wars.